Week 3

This week has been a combination of highs and lows. I started off feeling ambitious and by accomplishing a lot. As the week progressed, however, I started to feel lower and lower. I found that waking up got harder, eating got harder, and that everything was just harder.

Every now and then, I find that my headspace feels cloudy. It feels stagnate and murky. Sometimes when it happens, I let myself wake up later and take things at a painstakingly slow pace. Other times, I push myself to get up early and accomplish what I’ve set out to do.

Over the years, people have given me their different opinions on how I should handle moments like these. I have had people telling me that it’s okay to take time off, and I have also had people telling me that I should push myself to be out more.

Truthfully, doing both is okay.

There have been times when I have gone out feeling low and when going out has helped. The opposite is true too, though. I have had times where I’ve just needed to stay indoors and pick myself up again and it has worked.

I have been like this for so long. It’s a blessing and a curse. A curse because I hate feeling like this, but a blessing because time has taught me how to handle myself. I know when to stay indoors, watch movies, and cry. I know when I need to go out to a new restaurant and laugh with friends. When I get too low, I know when to ask for help.

My head is confusing, but I understand it better after practicing self-care.

Week 2

The sky before a storm came 🍃☔️

I use to work at a preschool through my school, last year. It was a private preschool that accepted kids from as young as 2 years old. Most kids left before they turned five with a few exceptions. Most five year olds had to go to kindergarten, so the one five year old that I saw had to leave midyear. Regardless, working with a bunch of 2 to 5 year olds was an insane experience.

Some days I loved it more than anything. Other days… not so much. It wasn’t until I left my job that I realized how much I had learned from it.

This week, I remembered how one of the kids had asked me to describe a feeling. Every week, my co-workers and I taught the kids how to “use their words” to express their feelings. As children, it should be easy to say that you’re sad or happy or angry. The messy, complicated emotions- that shouldn’t really happen until you’re older.

But I remembered how one girl had asked me to explain what it meant to feel lost. In that moment I didn’t know how to answer her question. I think, maybe, that I’m still confused on how to answer that question.

I don’t know if being an adult gets any easier (probably not), but I think people are always feeling a bit lost. In my case, I’m completely lost in every aspect of my life. With others, maybe they’re lost in the things they are not familiar with.

Right now, from the way I see it, being lost is not knowing what to do or what’s right to do. Its uncertainty and anxiety, but its also flexibility and the ability to learn.

Maybe I’m overthinking all of this and this is just some sleep-deprived ramble. At the end of the day, though, I never answered that girl’s question. She might never remember asking me that question, but in that moment, that’s when I realized that I needed something to change. Its when I realized that I was lost, and that I had been in denial about it.

Hopefully, one day, I’ll find the answer to her question.

Week 1

While I have been at home for a total of three weeks now, this week was the first week in which I wasn’t jet lagged. The first two weeks were rough to adapt too.

Breakfast sandwich 🍳

My sleeping schedule and eating habits were a mess. Partly because of college, and partly because of the traveling.

In Japan, I was constantly struggling with sleep and food. Admittedly, the change in environment was also rough on my mental health. There was little sunlight during my time there, and this made it hard for me to motivate myself to get up most mornings. Moreover, this past semester taught me that 2018 and 2019 were years that I greatly neglected my mental health.

Today, I find my time at home to be energizing. I know that I will get tired of the mundane life soon, since there is not much left for me in this town. The busy lifestyle is more suited for my mind, but sometimes, I need a break too.

I’ve been eating three full meals, and I have been sleeping six or more hours. It is important to motivate yourself to be better in life, but it is also important to take care of yourself. I still struggle to accomplish both, but I want to take better care of myself.

Start

I am not much of a writer, and if I were being honest, I’m not completely sure what I’m doing here. Maybe I want to document my memories and struggles. The past three years of my life have been crazy in good and bad ways. I never thought I’d be the person I am today, and I can’t tell if I like her yet.

I guess this is a blog to document my progress in life. My travels, struggles, and growth.

This might be a shot into the void. It might go nowhere. But I’ll know its here, and I guess for now, that counts as something.